Fake sweet

SORRY! I had an unusual Sunday and thus missed Monday's Apples. You probably saw a bunch of gibberish in the morning email - yikes. I am human and yesterday I was a hot mess. Back on the horse:

If you wanna hang with the clown, you gotta drink his tears. Nick Mullen, comedian 🤡

GM 🦁 This is Andrew's Apples, the health email that your outspokenly contrarian cousin likes to gush about. All in under 2 min. Let's go.

1. 🍆 STIs doing their thing. Sexually transmitted infections, well, transmit. And they've been doing that quite well in the state of Michigan since the pandemic started. People be really horny now that the pandemme is on the wane, so be careful out there. Most of all, just pay attention: rashes around private parts, burning sensation while peeing, constant itching. Get it checked out and tbh most of the time: you get an easy shot in the hip, antibiotics for 10 days, and likely feeling like $100 within a day or three. It do be like that.

2. 📡 EMFs and cellphones. We've all heard it by now: keep your phone outside your room while you sleep, replace smartphone with a Light Phone, or even exiting modern civilization in favor of simplicity and eating bugs in the woods. It's 2022: smartphones are portable desktop computers and are not going anywhere, despite nontrivial evidence suggesting fertility and cancer related issues, so what do we do? Avoid carrying it on your person and keep it in airplane mode as much as possible; try not sleep with it in your bedroom and please turn it off at night. Use a classic alarm clock they use in cartoons. Smartphones, like American politics, are here to stay so choose the team/tactics that minimize the inevitable evildoing. Or, if you're feeling bold, opt out.

3. 🍰 Fake sweet. The only worse than an asshole is someone who is fake sweet. At least the asshole is hiding nothing, his demons on full display and without apology. When it comes to food, "consuming artificially sweetened foods and beverages leads to disruptions to metabolism and has been linked to increased appetite and cravings, as well as an increased risk of diabetes and other metabolic diseases." It has been shown that Splenda may interfere with your liver's detoxification process; that means your hangovers will get worse. White sugar consumption is tied heavily to our weight problem in this country, but fake white sugar may do even more damage. Nothing in life is free, even if your grandpa swipes Splenda sleeves from the diner table.

4. 🏃 Don't be hatin. This tweet below. Lifters love to hate on cardio, oftentimes when they themselves can't run a sub-9 min mile or let alone play full-court basketball for more than 5 minutes without reaching for their knees. You actually need both. Our furry-handed ancestors walked 5+ miles a day, sprinted after animals to hunt, and lifted those heavy carcasses over long distances back to the village. The toothpick with lungs of a bird and the jacked monster with the cardio of a slug are BOTH wrong.

How do you like them Apples? If you ever need anything, hit reply. Love hearing from readers.

Your friend,

Andrew🍎

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