Hey, let's blackout tonight

Goodnight 🌜 (PSYCH! It's morning! ¡¡April Fools, suckers!¡!)

Here's your daily dose of Andrew's Apples, a small white bag of cocaine to nourish your soul, spike your heart rate, and make you feel really really confident for 30 minutes. Then, suddenly, not. Let's go picking. 

1. 🏃 Run as fast as you can. This tweet. Don't get attached to generalities like this, but while maintaining normal bodyweight and strong calisthenics are well-covered, seldom do people think about the ability to run fast as you get older. No more gym class Mile, no more recess, no more after-school sports. Instead, respond to emails and sit. For decades. Many a meathead still decry cardio. Dudes that can deadlift 600 pounds but get winded after five minutes of pickup basketball. Perspective, gang. The best all-around athletes in the world play basketball/MMA/football/boxing, all of which require Olympic levels of cardio power. We can do without jogging or the elliptical (whole other topic!), but once a week go out for a good ole fashioned sprint. Like a pre-smartphone child.

2. 🗑️ Behold: the Lizzone defense. Fifteen new words are coined in the American lexicon every day. Most of them are bad and completely fueled by hopeful marketing dollars. The latest comes from singer Lizzo: shapewear. To lift a line from Mean Girls, "Lizzo, stop trying to make 'shapewear' happen, it's NOT going to happen." Lizzo wants to normalize clothes that go up to size 6XL. I am not here to f*t-shame in the slightest. But I am your intrepid no-BS friend, and I am calling bullshit on 'shapewear'. The pandemic already made 39% of people fatter. Blob is not a desirable phenotype - never was and never will be, despite what the Media Machine screams about. What if we got these 6XL ladies on a reasonable diet/exercise/sleep plan? Not hawking sweet "you're perfect just the way you are" nothings. Helps no one. I know I am nuts, but what if...? I am a dreamer and this news is nothing to behold. It's something to behead.

3. 💤 Hey, let's blackout tonight. Our furry-handed ancestors slept in caves, which were dark. Like the night. And so they slept like babies (save for the bugs, lions, tigers, and bears). Then or now, sleep is a remarkable thing: you lie down, shut your eyes, stop thinking, go OFF for 8h, and when you rise you feel energized and ready to body shit. One of the main culprits of bad sleep is light. Light from your phone, your lamp, even outside. "Light exposure at night inhibits melatonin, which plays a role in many health functions." Nighttime means dark time, so use a dim light near the floor if necessary, charge your phone in the other room, and if you want to hit the American Psycho GAS: use a sleep mask. One that's black.

4. 🍸 Drink yourself to sleep. Drinking is really fun. So fun, in fact, that it's been in our primate lineage dating back 7-21 million years ago. That fun. The unfun and unfunny part is how drinking damages your sleep. Even two drinks late at night for most folks can block REM sleep, make you wake up more frequently during "sleep," and will negatively impact heart rate metrics and body temp (staying chill = key to solid sleep). Plus, you feel and look and are terrible in the morning lol. Many holistic-health "monks" say watering holes are dens of inequity... relax dude. Drinking is part and parcel to American culture so it's unavoidable for the 99%, so when you do booze, try to keep it to 2-3 drinks and ideally not right before bed. My little sister is still in college. You are not, comrade. Rinsing your toothpaste with a warm beer? That's both funny and sad. But your sleep will pay the piper. Night-night.

How do you like them Apples? Suggestions? Hate me? If you ever need anything, hit reply. 

Your friend, 

Andrew 🍎 

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