Peach Pie: SEX Edition 🍑🥧

G-morning 🍑 Our resident e-girl Maggie is back and by the grace of god (she's weathering covid rn) she has some juicy peaches for us today. They're all about sex. As we have mentioned many times, we only cover topics here that will make you look better naked in the mirror and/or make you feel better when you look at yourself in the mirror. How sex can be counterproductive to a person's mind and spirit will be tabled for a different day; today is just the good stuff and Maggie does not disappoint. On with the show, folks...

1. 🎯 Bullseye. Let’s go in for the kill with a hot button issue: the clitoris does not like direct digital stimulation. Let it be known, for instance, that most girls lie on their stomachs (not their backs) when delighting themselves solo. Why? Because our lady parts favor oblique stimulation: covering more surface area with gradual, heightening, excruciatingly executed intensity. In all other scenarios, I salute you lads for your economy and efficiency. But if there’s one time to shelf your more provident instincts, it’s when you’re trying to get a girl to come. What this means for you: never give your all the moment you mosey up to the plate. Never, ever zero in on specific regions tout de suite (this is point-blank painful). And if you haven’t the foggiest idea where you’re going, use time as your medium: take it slow, be withholding (seriously), and use that extra time to read her body language. We’re looking for patience here, not panache. Slow and steady wins the race.

2. 🦷 Tooth and nail. Sex and psychedelics have something in common: when pursued with right intention, both reveal that subtlety is its own exquisite universe of experience. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve told a guy, “I want you to kiss my neck,” and after 4 seconds he’s flown South to recon other regions. Why the impatience? Every woman out there wants you to take your time, so dust generous helpings of kisses over her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. Trace velvety, sinuous infinity loops up and down my spine, thighs, butt. There is a technique to caresses, so don't poke or prod with the knobby heads of your fingers—orient where the ridge of your nails and the soft caps of your fingertips meet her skin. In a similar vein, kissing: don’t shy away from using your teeth. A tiny bit of suction with a toothsome, feather-light grip makes all the difference. It barely feels like anything at all, which is why it makes me feel like I’m melting.

3. 🎖️ Missionary is lindy. At the risk of sabotaging the entire premise of this newsletter, you don’t need a perfect body to get me off. It’s far too early to revive the Dad Bod paeans of Buzzfeed’s Ben Affleck-obsessed era, but I will say a little extra tum-tum does wonders when it comes to coming. Ye olde-fashioned missionary stance supports friction between her bullseye (see above) and her partner’s pubic bone like no other. It’s also a one-size-fits-all position: whether you’re cut like Cyprus marble or can’t resist a PBR or four after 5pm hits, missionary never fails to deliver by dint of anatomy. Lucky for you, the results may even roll in faster when the top partner has an extra roll or two. So, if you’re still on your fitness ~journey~ this is your go-to move for making her feel good while your snatched bod is in progress.

4. ⛵️ Missed connections. A few weeks ago, I broke it to a one-off Hinge date that I was casting him back to sea to meet some other fish. Instead of taking it like a sailor, he tried to reel me back in by itemizing the reasons why he hadn't been able to "show me his best self" that night. Sympathy baiting aside, I guarantee you most women aren't drafting Pro/Con lists to ascertain whether your CV, bank statements, or pec diameter make you an eligible mate. If a person—man or woman—tells you they're not interested, it's unlikely they'll come to their senses on date #2. Love, when you find it, is a random, senseless, mutually agreed-upon delusion. And delusional people (people in love) do not care whether you have all your ducks in a row. I can't land you a GF, but I can guarantee you'll scale up in hotness the moment you toss those harsh standards for yourself in the bin. Well hello, handsome!

How about them Peaches? 😏

Your friends,

Maggie🍑 & Andrew🍎

P.S. -- See y'all Sunday for The Sunday Andrew Review (TSAR). Be safe and point lit fireworks away from you, folks. 😘

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