- Andrew's Apples 🍎
- Posts
- Not (bad) financial advice
G-morning 🐓
Here's your daily dose of Andrew's Apples, a small white bag of four fresh *fruits* to nourish your soul and make you feel great. All in under 2 minutes. Let's go picking.
👁️ Blink twice. There's nothing like the fresh mountain air of realizing you're held captive. That you're worshipping the wrong g*d (politics, "religion," twitter gremlins, talking heads, the sportsbook) and thus stuck. This usually happens in your twenties/early thirties, after years of copying the behavior and habits of your closest friends. And when it comes to looking better naked, maybe listen to the friend who does looks better naked over the one who doesn't? Life 101: A Remedial Course. Make no mistake: you don't need that same friend for crypto investment tricks, unless he has monogrammed headrests on his private jet. Apply this Apple accordingly.
🌿 Holy in the morning. If you consistently feel mentally fatigued (ill? lol) early in the morning, grab some holy basil. This herb (aka tulsi) excels at restoring neurotransmitter levels as well as normalizing sex and stress hormones. Brew it in tea, cook with it, or eat raw. Your head will hurt less and you'll resemble a gazelle, not a banana slug.
💰 Not (bad) financial advice. I can spidey-sense the bitcoin fascists and financial wonks perking up... Instead of hunting for yield in the dark corners of decentralized finance or dogpoop coin, consider shoveling your whole bonus (severance? rofl) into companies that make motorized scooters for obese people. Pixar nailed it in 2008 with WALL-E. Nearly 1 out of every 2 people is not just overweight, but obese. Dude. The projections look bad. Go hang at the local mall for an afternoon and you will see some strangely shaped swamp creatures. God's plan did not include Gushers nor Gogurt, and I sadly don't see a reversing of this bovine trend. Might as well make $ome bread.
⏱️ I rest my case. To maximize strength in the gym (aesthetics aside), employ longer rest intervals between sets. Conversely, to maximize weight loss and muscle size growth (this one's all about looking good naked), shorter rest intervals are better; this means you will be huffing and puffing and generally feeling miserable. A telltale sign that it's working. The uphill path to beauty is riddled with rocks and roots and wretched people who prefer you sad and fat and screaming at the internet. Transcend.
How do you like them Apples? Any bad ones? Suggestions? If you ever need anything, hit reply.
Your friend,
Andrew 🍎
once you've had fat you never go back (Austin Powers, 2002)
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