Pickles🥒: Guest Post

GM 🥒

Another guest post, gang. Today is from one of my oldest friends, Thomas, who some affectionately call "Tommy Pickles"🥒 Among other things, he was always my 'endlessly curious, auto didact, history buffian' comrade. He also has a great voice in person and on paper. The floor is yours, Pickles.

1. 📱 Goodnight Siri, I Love You. You don't have to be a divorced, near-future Joaquin Phoenix to get "involved" with your mobile device. One night while cradling my Pixel after a full hour of swiping on Tinder and binge-watching Covert Cabal, "goodnight babe" slipped from my lips as I cuddled my device to sleep. My therapist scolded me and recommended immediate action. From that moment onward the phone lives outside my bedroom. The good divorce. I'm way happier. I sleep better. I got a real girlfriend (goodbye Sailor Moon body pillow!). I bought a sunlight-imitating alarm clock. It can make rooster noises.

2. 📺 The Atkins Media Diet. Here's an analogy from the pre-2005 SAT: If reading is like a diet, books are like complete protein. Unless you went to a School For Kids That Can't Read Good, then you can infer that most of your non-print media diet is junk that makes your brain limp and fat. Buzzfeed listicles are fruit loops, and Instagram influencer captions are but intravenously injected corn syrup. Go get a massive-bleeding-rare-steak of a book. I'll give you 1 to get you started, and 1 to put in your freezer for when a nuclear electromagnetic pulse destroys Netflix forever: The Revolt of the Public (in our analogy, it's duck pate), and The Prize (the whole damn cow). Side note: in terms of our painfully belabored analogy this film is crème brûlée. Delicious Tacos is spicy Thai food that leaves 3rd degree burns on the way out.

3. 🚒 Sticky Icky Icy Hot. How do I combat muscular tightness? So many things, lord have mercy. Trial and error has brought me to a combination of marijuana and IcyHot as a go-to remedy. When you can't have the chiropractor beat your back with a rubber mallet because you don't have bespoke medical insurance, getting stoned and covering the tight parts of your body with IcyHot is an excellent substitute. In addition, it encourages flexibility of your shoulders as you reach further up and down your spine to apply the balm. DO try this at home.

4. 😅 Build Thy Foundation. After burning out of the white-collar workforce, I spent several years as a furniture mover. During the peak of my blue-collar working-man phase I moved many gun safes and vintage armoires. Sadly I was left with a back that was knotted like a braided donut. This workout has done more to undo the knots in my back than auto-myofascial lacrosse ball massage. 10/10 recommended for those who need to de-age their spine.

How do you like them Pickles? Suggestions? If you ever need anything, hit reply. 

Your friends, 

Tommy🥒 & Andrew🍎 

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