Peaches🍑: The Lady Edition

Wandering creates the desert. Anon.

G-Morning 🍑

Our resident e-girl Maggie (aka 👸 Peaches) is back for the 3rd time and her words wax hot as always. Eat my lunch, Maggie:

1. ⛱️ Sunscreen orthodoxy. The catechism “wear SPF” seems to appear in every shred of skin care sophistry I’ve read since subscribing to Teen Vogue. UV filters will certainly keep you from looking radishesque this summer, but the jury’s still out on whether they do anything to reduce your risk of skin cancer—take it from the funny looking freckle on my upper back. To make matters worse, UV filters have a nightmarish track record for endocrine disruption. Your fertility is the primary casualty, but immune function (the system that heals photodamage) and your youthful good looks both take a hit, too. Alternatives include enjoying sunlight in shifts, building your base, and reaching for UVB-screening vitamin E for topical reinforcement.

2. 🥨 “I’m not flexible enough” Legend has it that your meat sack needs to arrive pre-tenderized in order to do yoga—false. Strength is just as important as flexibility no matter what type of class you’re taking. The yin and yang of yoga is etched into kinesiology itself: to stretch one muscle (the antagonist), another (the agonist) must contract. The truth is that the über-bendy are sensation-seekers, prone to injury if they don’t grit their quads while blissing out in a forward fold. The takeaway: don’t not-practice yoga because you’re “bad” at stretching. Not-practice yoga because you can’t stand the man buns.

3. 🍔 Man buns. Speaking of man buns, I’d like the take a moment to rejoice that they seem to have receded from public view. From an informal survey (gleaned from almost every date I’ve had in the past 5 years) hair loss seems to be the #1 insecurity for guys after we’re halfway through our second bottle of Malbec. Even if your genes aren’t coded for male pattern baldness, winding your hair into a taut little rosebud on top of your head—for lads and lasses—is a recipe for premature hair loss. A pet theory, but I believe this largely explains the compensatory popularity of lumberjack beards.

4. 🚻 Heaven runs its course. Last week, I returned from a work retreat to Puerto Vallarta with an authentically Mexican souvenir: Montezuma’s curse. Hustling to the bathroom every 15 minutes was my personal cross to bear, but in my condition I enjoyed a few choice perks: for instance, commandeering an entire row to myself on the plane. Not having to eat airport food. Finally trying colonic hydrotherapy au natural. And, of course, achieving what every Gringo girl wants: a consumptive, waifish figure. Now that this flaca is feeling peckish again, some food for thought: getting sick from time to time is good for you. Not only is your immune system exercised, but you’re also confronted with the frailty of you, a human organism. A spiritual experience, really. The road to heaven may be paved with good intentions, but the path to (Aztecs’) G*d is paved with s***.

How do you like them Peaches? Any feedback for the kween? If you ever need anything, hit reply.

Your friends,

Maggie🍑 (& Andrew🍎)

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