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- Peaches🍑: The Lady Edition
G-Morning 🍑
Today we are mixing it up. If it's not clear by now, I'm Andrew and I'm a dude. The overdone Adam Sandler references expose my gender and my maturity level - so be it. My blind spots in American wellness culture are by definition invisible and perhaps unknowable. So I will on occasion tag friends who bring the HEAT that I cannot. And because I believe in equal opportunity, unequal outcomes, today's post is from a lady who may just steal my whole readership. Call 'em Peaches🍑, instead of Apples. I will pass the mic to my dear friend Maggie (IG, Substack). She and I practiced yoga together in Brooklyn before the world went sicko mode, and G*d gave her a cutting literary wit. You'll see. This isn't about "equity" or whatever empty buzzword the Brussels bureaucrats are shoving down your throat these days. This is about truth and beauty, unmet tasks and secret stories, the soul and good scotch, putting down the dogma and getting closer to the stars. But enough from me. Break a leg, Maggie:
🎙️ Sweet talkers. Vocal attractiveness is a rather boutique field of research, but common knowledge has it that humans are still beholden to the animal mating calls of yore despite eons of linguistic evolution. Ostensibly, as sex lines have blurred, female “vocal fry” has risen to mimic the low-pitched, testosterone-laden voices of the patriarchy. Mkay. But what of diction? What of tone? What of music? IMO, the acoustic nuances of the human voice have been gravely underestimated as an element of attraction. I cannot tell you the number of crushes I’ve had be crushed as soon as my love object opened his trap to expose a trembling timbre. My stance: you can spend a lot of time, sweat, and coin chiseling your body, but don’t neglect those v-cords if you want it to get seen.
💋 The face of IBS. Yin and yang, peanut butter and chocolate, hot girls and IBS. I’m not sure when this pairing got introduced to the cultural lexicon, but my girlish instincts tell me something just ain't right. IBS is now a catch-all for any and all digestive upset, joining the jetsam of other vacuous complaints from adrenal fatigue to “straight fragility” (lol). Two-thirds of IBS cases pertain to women, and that same percentage is suspected to suffer a headcase as well. To wit, I’ve glimpsed no studies exploring the possibility that social contagion has pushed IBS hotlines to their breaking point. All I’m saying is, if Regina George had IBS, all her sycophants would probably be gassed up too. While we hunker down and wait for the IBS mushroom cloud to pass, it would behoove us girls to feed a little less into IBS hysteria and save our shits for what matters most: feeding the soul.
🍊 It’s giving Oompa. Few things bunch my panties more than seeing gorgeous strangers at rush hour with enough foundation on their face to ice a cupcake. I get that modern women be dressing for cameras rather than people, but most face makeup usually just makes glitchy skin look worse—not to mention aggravating whatever flare-ups you’ve got going on under there. Behold, seabuckthorn oil: a foundation substitute qua skincare hack I purchased from Siberia shortly after Putin sicced the troops on Ukraine (oops). Apply it topically as the final step in your skincare routine, and you’ll look like a burn victim. But give it an hour. This stuff melts seamlessly into the skin for mild coverage while delivering a derm’s dose of good fats and UV protection. A bonus: if you want to swallow the stuff, it’s good for your vagina!
🥀 The mother of beauty. A couple weeks back, I shipped Andrew this video to get his 2¢ on this young lady’s sentiments. Frankly, it left me feeling sick to my stomach (could’ve been my IBS). Female beauty has always been currency, but when everybody’s a little bit famous and nobody has any money, the value gets inflated. It’s easy to lose track of beauty’s synesthesia: what it looks, sounds, smells, tastes, feels like. By all means, better yourself, snatch your ass, overline your lips, slather Siberian seabuckthorn oil on untoward places. But remember from Grandfather Stevens: “only the perishable can be beautiful, which is why we are unmoved by artificial flowers.” Roses still wilt.
How do you like them Peaches? Did this work? Want more like it? If you ever need anything, hit reply.
Your friends,
Maggie🍑 & Andrew🍎
A young hunk named Anakin Skywalker could have brought balance back to the Force, but instead went dark, took a lot of testosterone, and crafted the sexiest voice in the history of Hollywood
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